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24 December 2006 @ 10:20 pm
They say music is the tremble of the soul searching for words.

Whether or not a melody can capture a person's heart an uncountable number of words in a musical score try to capture all that there is.

The music that strokes the ear and gently passes -- that in itself is already tragically fleeting.

Each of those words is correct without exaggeration and each of those words is incorrect.

That's why carelessly attaching words to music is to carelessly bring tragedy to flesh and blood.

Let melody be melody.
Let melody be music.

...yes. I suddenly got annoyed at The Bloodhound Gang for having a song like F.U.C.K. Despite my love for it.
Current Music: Evanescence - Missing
Fathers can willfully hurt their children. They can be addicts too weak to give up their vices, no matter the pain it causes. Mothers can turn you invisible with neglect. They can erase you with a denial, a refusal to see. Friends can decieve you. People lie. It is a cold, hard world. How can people stand to forget that I wonder? What is it about Christmas -- what feeling is it every December that makes it so easy?

Do you realize what you'll never see?Collapse )
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - The Acoustic Song
02 December 2006 @ 11:33 am
Isn't it just so characteristic of me to start talking to myself at odd hours of the night. At least I don't do my self-characterization out loud.

I felt like destroying something beautiful.Collapse )
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: My Chemical Romance - Teenagers
17 November 2006 @ 11:08 pm
I dreamed about her, again. I saw her like I always saw her, isolated and observing -- condescending and giving me that looks he always managed to throw at me.

We started launching accusations again.

I hate myself for it.

Axel and I are at a standoff. I don't know what I'll do. It's like I'm having to choose sides and it hurts now; it hurts more than it should. Because I know it can't be real and I know, when it comes down to it, whose side I'm on.

I know my priorities, and they scare me to death.

There are days I can look at myself in the mirror and idly tell myself it'll all be okay, one foot in front of the other, I'm where I should be and everything is alright now.

I haven't had one of those days in two weeks.
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
28 October 2006 @ 01:31 am
I have found a new love.

Its name is Starbucks.

Riku made the VAST mistake of leaving me to my own devices (I'll have you know, Riku darling, I got lost three times and looked pretty stupid), and I wanted coffee. So I found a coffee shop. Lo and behold, there's a Starbucks on every corner around here.

So I go in and there's like a jillion different coffees. Can you say "YES, PLEASE"? SO I stand there looking like an idiot for a good five minutes before figuring out what I wanted to drink.

I am now addicted to something called a Maple Macchiatto. I son't know what macchiatto means but it's damn good. And I'll likely be living off that stuff as long as I can stand it.

Yes, the entire point of this post was to rant about Starbucks and Maple Macchiattos.

You know you love me. ♥
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: A Change of Pace - Prepare for the Masses
03 October 2006 @ 08:21 pm
The literature teacher at Riku's school...wants me to write a personal essay to evaluate where I stand in her class. By default, she says I'm in her second period, but...whatever. I honestly don't care too much after writing this.

Personal Essay -- Assessment
Mrs. Perksey, 2nd Period Literature

Sundays are the centerpiece in my friend Layla's household. It's a day for the family -- and the extended family -- to enjoy one another and spend time after a busy week of work, a long separation because of schooling. For as long as I can remember going, and for all I know...it's always been the same. I'd awake in her bed -- likely with about half of her on top of me -- to the popping sound and the tempting aroma of bacon or maple sausages cooking on the stove. My senses drew me out of bed each time without fail and sent Layla crashing to the floor as I went straight to the kitchen. As usual, "mommie" was making grits and eggs, or pancakes to supplement the meat. Ah, the one day a week I could feel so full I can't move. But I'd have to get ready for church. Church was not optional in that house. It was law then -- I don't know about now. We always went to worship service for a (excruciatingly long -- heels start to hurt after a while) morning of praise. We listen to the worship ensemble and hear the amusingly large pastor preach to the congregation. Then we return home. "Daddy" turned on the big screen to a soccer game so he (and I) could watch in devastation as our favorite team blew another one that season. The best part about those Sundays, though, was dinnertime. Layla's family was the typical soulfood family: black eyed peas, cornbread, macaroni and cheese, rice, dinner rolls, and no meal was complete without fried chicken. Yes, I really did eat all that; yes, I have always pretty well looked like I don't eat. We would gather around the table, say grace and dig in. Conversation was always full to bursting with reminiscing, good times, and lots and lots of laughter. I don't think I ever got through a Sunday meal in that house without almost choking on a piece of food or spitting out my drink from laughing so hard.I'd love to hear childhood stories about what a handful Layla was, always causing mischief and getting into things as an infant. Dinner had always been that way...but everything changed all at once in time on the second day of May, during an off-campus reprieve.

"Only three weeks left, and then I go back." I restlessly said to myself as 3:30 hit and the public school I had been attending with the girls from the normal facility for our five-week reprieve was dismissed. I couldn't wait to get back and take an afternoon nap; to relieve myself from my so-called 'stress'. The day had been a fairly good one, nothing different than the usual. Layla had taken the day off, the lazy bum, and would be home for me to tell her about my day and upcoming events. As the bus arrived, I got on and headed to "home".

At our bus stop, there was a large group of us plus Layla that got off together. My friends and I said goodbye and walked opposite ways to our homes. Usually it was Layla and I, but today I was alone of course. As I neared the house, caught up in dread about what would happen in three weeks' time, I noticed a fire truck parked on the side of the street. I figured something must have happenned next door because on either side of Layla lived elderly couples. One neighbor I had come to know had health problems, so it really didn't surprise me. The closer I got though, the higher my heart rose in my throat. The fire truck was near her yard. Walking up the driveway, I noticed a few cars, and I saw a familiar face. It was mommie, and she looked as though she had been waiting for me. The feeling in my heart just kept getting worse and a knot in my throat began to form. When she saw me she pulled me in and held me tight -- I pulled away and tried to go through the garage, inside; I wanted inside as fast as I could get there. When I entered the garage I heard her break down. I found myself callig on God more than I had ever in my life. Hurriedly, I flew up the small set of steps and let everything fall clattering to the floor from my arms, flinging the door iopen. The only details I remember around the room itself was Layla's purse sitting on the counter with its contents splayed across the counter as they had been when I'd dug through it that morning. Then I looked to the white linoleum and saw her.

Her eyes were wide, her face stricken -- her mouth frozen in a soft 'oh' of shock. Blood has spattered against the blonde wood of the cabinets, pooled around her and into the bullet-shaped dents in the cheaply laid flooring. It stuck to her hair, it had always been light and brown and beautiful but now it was matted thick with sickly sweet, copper tang blood. I remember where the bullet holes were and can name them, one by one, point to them on my own body -- but I won't. I remember falling down and screaming her name, over and over and over again until someone picked me up off my feet and dragged me out of the house, still screaming and streaming hot tears down my face.

Mommie was furious at her for knowing the people who had gotten her killed -- she'd been in the worng place at the wrong time, and they'd noticed and come to take care of her. Daddy kept saying it was her time to leave us. I kept asking "how dare she, what right did she have." For the next few days I kept playing back the scene over and over of the last moments I had seen Layla alive. I remembered her last "I love you Keira, have a good day, behave yourself." And my "I love you too, don't I always?" Then I see myself running to the bus stop. Regrets, for a time, played along like subtitles to a foreign film. What if I would have stayed home with her? What if I had slept in? I could have missed the bus and been there to help her, to keep her alive. Would I have taken the shots? But I knew that's not what she would have wanted.

I look back to two years ago and wonder how I was able to deal with such an ordeal. This was Layla, the person I'd been with almost my whole life. I was the baby of the two of us and still had so much to experience in life that I wanted her to see -- wanted her there for: learning to drive, prom, high school graduation, college, marriage, motherhood, all of the things...an older sister might want to see her little sister do.

Those fifteen years I was blessed to share with Layla, I know she was...difficult sometimes, but she loved me and was helping me along in her own special way. I live -- perhaps not so much as I do now, at this moment -- to live life to the fullest for her (and a few as yet unnamed people). I know she is, for the most part, proud. I could have been the teen who fell apart at the death of someone dear; however, her passing is not the excuse or reason solely on which to blame my hardships. Instead, it has become a reason for living.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: anna nalick - consider this
01 October 2006 @ 03:07 pm
I'm learning to like it more and more here in Destiny Islands. ^^ And I have managed thus far to avoid sunburn which is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Believe me.

...unfortunately I have yet to go to school. Which is something that...now that I think about it, rather intimidates me.

I know nothing about these people. Like, at all. What on earth are they gonna think about me?

...oh, I'm getting a headache...
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret
23 September 2006 @ 12:21 am
1. A Cuddler? Yes -- brother, beware. XD I have a tendency to cuddle, especially when I'm scared or feeling relatively vulnerable.
2. A morning person? ...it depends on what you call 'morning'. When I rule thee world there will be no such THING as six AM, just a period of time where people catch up on other things like -- I dunno -- sleep?! ((Sorry Hino. XD))
3. Are you a perfectionist? WHen I do my work, yes.
4. An only child? ...no.
5. Gay? Nope, sorry ladies, totally straight. XD
6. Currently suffering from a broken heart? ...not...not entirely.
7. Okay styling other people's hair? Yeah, I'm alright at it.
8. Left handed? Nope, sorry!
9. Addicted to MySpace? Dear lord no.
10. Shy around the opposite gender? Ha, no. Not in the least.

11. Bite your nails? My thumbnail when I'm really nervous.
12. Get paranoid at times? Oh, all the time. I can push it back sometimes, but it's still there.
13. Currently regret something that you have said? ...no. Not yet.
14. Curse frequently when you get mad? I curse when I'm -calm-. XD It's when I'm choosing my words carefully you should be worried.
15. Enjoy country music? ...not...really.
16. Enjoy jazz music? Some of it.
17. Enjoy smoothies? Ho yes. ^^
18. Enjoy talking on the phone? Only to certain people.
19. Have a lot to learn? ...you have no idea. XD
20. Have a pet? ...haha. No. Unless Axel counts.
21. Have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person? ...sometimes I wonder.
22. Have all your grandparents? I never knew them.
23. Have at least one sibling? I like to think so. ^^
24. Have been told that you are smart? Several times. XD
25. Have Caller I.D. on your phone? I...dunno. O_o

26. Changed a diaper? Me? Maternal activities? Psh.
27. Changed a lot over the past year? ...I think...I probably have.
28. Had surgery? No.
29. Killed another person? ...I...don't know what counts.
30. Had your haircut within the last week? No, but I should do that...
31. Had the cops been called on you? ...lotsa times. ^^;

32. Slept in your bed that wasn't you? ...well...shit. XD I've slept in someone -else's- bed.
33. Saw you cry? Riku.
34. Went to the movies with you? Layla, a while back.
35. You went to the mall with? Again, Layla.
36. You went to dinner with? One of my old friends, Jacob.
37. You talked on the phone? My mother.
38. Broke your heart? ...I plead the fifth.
Any yet another
1. Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? Yeah...XD
2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked? Haha, no. I shouldn't be so lucky.
3. Are you in a relationship? Yes.
4. What is the best thing about your job? The fact that I can answer questions at lightning speed, and everybody just goes "Buh?!" at me. Oh I love it.
5. Do you like more than one person right now? ...
6. Are you against same sex marriage? Nope! In full support!
7. Where are you going on your next vacation? God, I feel like I -am- on vacation.
8. Where did you first get sick? Uhm...when I was about twelve is the first I remember clearly. I got sick because I didn't eat Riku please don't kill me.
9. Have you ever thrown up on a 84 year old woman? ...not that I...recall...
10. Last book you read? On my own with no ulterior motives? Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
13. If you could have one super power what would it be? ...I...dunno. XD
14. Where have you lived most of your life? Eden.
16. Where do you see yourself in 4 years? ...hopefully, in Destiny Islands, where I am now.
18. What is your favorite sound? A well-tuned piano.
20. Favorite movie of all time? ...hm. Probably...you're all going to laugh at me because this makes me a sap, but I cry over House of Flying Daggers. Every time. Without fail. XD
22. Have you ever gone to therapy? ...yeah.
23. Have you ever Played Spin the bottle? No, but trying it might be fun. XD
24. Have you ever toilet-papered someone's house? YES. And I laughewd the whole time.
25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? Yeah. I was better off, trust me.
27. Have you ever had a crush on your sister's friend? Dear god no. XD
28. Have you ever gone to a beach? Just once, when I first came to DI. ^^
29. Have you ever been to a strip club? ...I-I plead the fifth. Again.
30. Have you ever had a stalker? Not that I know of.
31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Ha, no, but it sounds like fun.
32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Several times.
33. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? ...yeah...
34. Have you ever peed standing up? Uh. No. XD What the hell.
36. Have you ever lied to your parents? Yes...I don't really regret it, because thery were better off not knowing.
37. What do you miss right now? Axel. I miss her too.
38. Ever thrown up from working out? No but I've thrown up from overexertion and lack of sleep.
39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat? Haha, no!
40. Ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places one day? No...I rarely even eat three times a day. XD
41. Last song you listened to? Heroine by Nami Tamaki
42. Have you ever spied on someone? For information.
43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers? I don't hve coworkers. XD
44. Last thing you ate? ...bread I think.
45. Who was the last person who called you? ...I forget...XD
46. When was the last time you slept for more than 12 hours? ...years.
47. Have you ever killed a kitten? No!
48. Have you ever stolen anything? ...^^; Once.
49. Have you ever drank egg nog? Yes. ^^
50. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? ...right where I am.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: nami tamaki - heroine
04 September 2006 @ 11:37 pm
I don't believe Sora wishes it upon himself to know what makes me an oddball, but okay!

Each player must state six weird things/habits about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things/habits as well as state the rules clearly. At the end you choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

1. I forget to eat. Like I know a few of you realize I don't eat much but if I get wrapped up in something I will seriously forget to eat. I forget to sleep sometimes too, but more often it's eating I forget. Riku's gonna kill me when he sees this.

2. I have more paper and books in my posession than most libraries. This probably doesn't surprise you much, does it?

3. I have this issue where I lie about how I really feel about an issue if I just don't want to talk about it...it doesn't happen often but when it does, I say whatever I can to get myself out of the situation as quickly and efficiently as possible to avoid a debate.

4. I eat Doritos with mustard. Like, nacho cheese Doritos. Stop looking at the screen like that! It ain't the weirdest thing I could be eating.

5. I am, believe it or not, musically inclined. I can sing and I can play the piano, but I make it a point not to call attention to it. It's not so much a distaste for the practice itself, it's that I've lived all my lofe not wanting to call any attention to myself in general.

6. I pretend to be so much stronger than I really am -- I look like I can handle anything when on the inside, I'm breaking. I'm a normal, seventeen year old girl.

I tag flaming_owner, teh_superior, treasured_trine, twilights_girl, blonde_beatdown (when he's off restriction), and dance_of_water!

There, you strange child. Now you know.
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: barlowgirl - never alone
29 August 2006 @ 11:35 pm
...I uh...have an announcement to make.

To those of you in Eden...this is goodbye. I'm not coming back. I know it's...hard to let go of what little hope you have, especially when that hope is in someone else. But I can't live like that anymore -- if I stay there, no matter how much of myself and my hope I place in someone else, I'll slowly wither and I'll just die. I have an out -- and I'm taking it. I'm not sorry -- but I'll miss you. (Please remember to put flowers on Layla's marker for me -- and tell her I love her.)

To thsoe of you who know me otherwise, or know him -- I'm going to be living with Riku. I know excactly what some of you are thinking and you can stop thinking it, and you can stop right now. Nothing's going to happen that I'm aware of and there's nothing you can really do to change my mind. This is what's best for me and I can't think of another way out of Eden -- out of this mess. I'll be happier -- just let me.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: t.A.T.u. - Gomenasai